First, Britney Spears shaved her head. Her whole head. Bald. By herself.
It was sexayyy.
Then, Daniel Radcliffe decided to hang out with his wang out onstage for his role in Equus.
My friend's sister caught the play in London, and was sad to report that Harry Potter has a small wand and very, very large Remembralls. Alas.
After that, Bald Britney (BB) attacked a photographer's car with an ugly green umbrella. Oh, the shame.
Meanwhile, a preggo Tori Spelling just kept getting fatter and fatter. And uglier. Naturally.
Then came the sad news that Lily-Rose, Johnny Depp's 7-year-old daughter, was very sick. We all felt horrible. For Johnny. (I kid.)
But she got better, so that was good.
At that point, Angelina Jolie suddenly realized that she hadn't acquired a new kid in, like, a year! Christ! So naturally, she went and adopted herself a Vietnamese orphan ASAP. And took him away from his father (allegedly). And renamed him (seriously).
Then, some mildly scandalous photos from Rumer Willis' Facebook account surfaced. Most involved condoms, and most were very boring.
(Demi Moore and Bruce Willis' children are the ONLY kids in existence who actually turned out looking like those weird face-combining computer images they print in Star to show what two celebrities' kids would look like. I find it both amusing and sad.)
Then one day, Paris Hilton began roaming about town with massive gigantor boobs, sparking implant rumors.
But then they kept disappearing, so everyone just assumed that she was
After a hundred million years, Anna Nicole Smith's official cause of death was released.
Then we found out that Larry Birkhead was, indeed, the father of Dannielynn Hope. Amazingly, Maury Povich was nowhere to be seen.
In keeping with the spirit of fatherhood, Alec Baldwin decided to send his daughter Ireland what was quite possibly the most hilarious voice mail on EARTH.
In another ridiculous public display, BB gave her first performance in almost 3 years at the House of Blues in San Diego.
Her wardrobe alone was enough to move the audience to tears. And I don't mean that in a good way.
In "boring, boring couples" news, Richie Sambora and Denise Richards broke up after a year of betraying their friends and lovers.
Meanwhile, Lindsay Lohan went in and out of rehab about 18 times...
And then Paris Hilton went to jail.
And the world at large rejoiced.
But then she was released after less than 5 days because she was afraid. In jail. And that NEVER happens.
And the world at large mourned.
But then she was ordered BACK to jail.
And the world rejoiced again.
She was released after 23 days, and decided to share with the world the amazing power of eye makeup.
Then, rumors began to surface that Nicole Richie is knocked up with that guy from Good Charlotte's kid.
I want this to be true SO BAD.
In a pathetic attempt to look more like the hideous corpse we affectionately call Victoria Beckham, Katie Holmes (Kate Cruise?) cut her hair all short. Mission accomplished! She looks EXACTLY like...Suri.
And speaking of babies, Julia Roberts gave birth to her 3rd child, son Henry, on June 18th.
Coming back to the corps- er, Victoria Beckham, the Spice Girls announced that they would reunite for an 11-concert tour in December and January. Girl power!
Posh used to be the prettiest, man, what the hell happened?
Meanwhile, Paris Hilton gave an interview on Larry King Live. And when I say "gave an interview", I mean "lied". A lot.
And then that wrestler killed his family. And himself.
And then you updated about SatC and all was well with the world again!